We need to talk. The four words every woman dreads hearing. Besides probably “we’re out of wine”.
Let’s role-play for a moment (promise this won’t get kinky). Let’s pretend you’re not ending the relationship with your human but breaking up with the other S.O. in your life – your Instagram account.
You’re immediately thinking… “like I’m not socially distancing enough these days and now you want me to socially distance from my social media?!”
So why should you break things off with your darling Insta? It’s time to face some hard truths. Whether you’re not ready for the commitment of constant posting, or you just don’t see a future beyond the filters. Time apart can possibly be a good thing.
Maybe you find yourself quickly scrolling through this blog post so you can immediately open your Insta app and make this idea of breaking up a very distant memory? Kind of like your ex. Who wasn’t easy to break things off with. So this should be the same, right? Sort of. At least this time there won’t be any bonfire burning of ex’s stuff and pesky calls to the fire department….
So how do you break it off without a fiery mess? What do you say and how do you say it? You don’t want it to sound hurtful but you want to be clear about your intentions that the time has come for you and your social sweetheart to go your separate ways.
As that great authority on romance, Bridget Jones once said as she moved on from her beau Daniel… “If staying here means working within 10 yards of you, frankly, I’d rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein’s arse.” Be assured these classic breakup lines are much tamer and don’t involve any arses. Unless your account is named Arse… in which case you’ve got a whole other set of issues that are above this blogger’s pay grade!
And a critical word or two of advice…
when you have “the talk” to break up with your Insta, it is highly suggested to do this while home alone, better yet in the far reaches of your closet…you know the place, behind all those clothes you’re keeping till one day they magically fit again. How crazy would your peeps think you are if they saw you actually talking out loud to your phone. Cause let’s face it, who actually talks on their phone these days?!
1. It’s not you, it’s me
In other words…
I’m trying to be considerate of your feelings, you’re not at fault for this, I just need some time to focus on my…. oh who am I kidding?! This sounds so fake…it is so your fault! You’re the one who got me addicted to you, who didn’t let me have one minute to myself, and is now causing me to dig out that fancy bottle of wine I was saving for our anniversary!
The sign it’s time… when you start to dream in 1080px x 1080px images.
2. We’re at different stages of our lives
In other words…
You’re ready to take over the Insta world with tons of new followers and posting pics every hour. I’m just not ready to settle down and build this Insta account to where you want it to be. We’re on different paths of life, and right now my path is straight to the fridge to grab that pint of rocky road and eat my feelings.
The sign it’s time… you can commit more easily to that new lipstick colour than you can to posting every day.
3. I just need some space
In other words…
The constant notifications popping up, the always wanting me to adjust your settings, I just need a moment where I don’t have to constantly attend to your wishes. It’s all about me now and I’m using my new found breathing space to leave you in the house charging while I take my long overdue staycation in the back yard.
The sign it’s time… your Insta accompanies you everywhere – even the toilet!
4. You deserve better than me
In other words…
You need someone who will be there for you through the up’s (57 new followers!) and the down’s (that I’ve had 5 shots in 2 hours post…need I say more?) and I’m just not that person right now. I promise I won’t get jealous when you start following other accounts and I hope you find someone out there who will “heart” all your posts.
The sign it’s time… when you’re spending more screen time with Netflix than Insta.
5. I think we should see other people
In other words…
I haven’t spent quality time with my IRL S.O. in awhile. And you need to get out there and meet other accounts, maybe even – gasp – on Twitter. I promise not to cyberstalk you or post mean comments on your new loves’ accounts. Unless I finish that bottle of wine I mentioned previously. Then all bets are off.
The sign it’s time…when that IRL S.O. starts to look a bit uhhh…unfamiliar.
Whew…that wasn’t easy you think as you log out one last time and creep out of your closet. Time to cue up the R.E.M. songs and uncork the wine.
And as the days go on, you have the realization “oh so that’s what the back wall of my wine fridge looks like” – well besides that… you think maybe it’s time to face life without your Insta.
But you’re still feeling a bit guilty about leaving your other half and miss it a lot. Maybe you could just send a quick drunken IM to check-in. Or a quickie late-night booty-login. Just keep reminding yourself of the reasons you cut it off in the first place.
Maybe you’ll get back together one day but until then it would be nice to know that your Insta is being properly cared for. Perhaps it needs a Rebound Girl. Just someone to have fun with for a little while. Of course, no one could compare to you. We all know Rebound Girl is only in Insta’s life temporarily and then it will be back to you, it’s forever love.
What you need is the equivalent of Rebound Girl for your Insta account. Someone who can watch over your beloved and care for it until it’s ready to come crawling back. With heart emojis of course. Or maybe a boombox outside the window (oh dreamy Lloyd Dobler with his old-school social media messaging!).
Tell Rebound Girl to check out Social Sitters Club. It’ll provide temporary social media management so your Insta will be in good hands. Until the day I.G. tells S.S.C. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” and wins you back… with a boombox Insta Story of course.
don’t wait until it’s too late!
Even if there are no days off on your horizon, sign up now so that Social Sitters Club is ready and waiting in the wings for when the unexpected pops up. Because if there is one thing entrepreneurship teaches you, its to expect the unexpected!
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