If you decide to hop on the spaceship to the moon, turn to page 9. If you decide to follow the spy to DSW and multi-task with some shoe shopping, turn to page 22.
Remember those ‘choose your own adventure’ books from when you were a kid? You’d decide the twists and turns to take to determine your outcome. Maybe you’d end up posting an awesome selfie from the moon …. or maybe you’d find yourself with some gorgeous wedges from the DSW sale rack …. cause nothing beats a sleuth who can uncover a pair of discounted shoes in your Size 6 that are hiding in the Size 10 section.
Those choose your own adventure books put you in charge of your choices. They made you feel as if you had control over how your tale would end.
Fast forward to today, and you’re still faced with multiple-choice questions every day – and not just on your kid’s homework. Some decisions have a happy ending and some, well, not so much.
You never know what life will bring you and the sometimes difficult choices you’ll have to make. Just like that time you never thought you’d have to choose a bottom shelf vodka when the bar ran out of your top-shelf favourite …. yes, life can be tough sometimes!!
So let’s imagine some Worst-Case Scenarios that you could face when it comes to something just as precious as your top-shelf vodka. Your cherished phone. That one you rely on for most importantly your social media but also …. all your contacts (like that ex who you just can’t seem to delete!) and your dwindling bank account (too many of those DSW trips). What would happen if you lost this lifeline to your life?
Here’s how to conquer the Worst Case Scenarios you may face when it comes to something happening to your phone. WARNING: Don’t attempt these survival tactics while drinking that vodka – with the exception of a few Screwdrivers for # 3 – cause that would definitely make a Worst Case Scenario into a total disaster!
1. How to wrestle an alligator that is munching on your phone
1. DISTRACT: Look the alligator right in the eye and hope she is mesmerized by that new eye shadow you’re trialing.
2. BRIBE: Offer to give the alligator the new eye shadow – the purple shade will look great against her green skin – in exchange for handing over your phone.
3. RUN: You may be winning at your kickboxing class but you’re no match for that alligator. And remember to wear flats that day.
2. How to outwit an S.O. who thinks it’s hilarious to post on your Insta embarrassing videos of you sleeping (like that one when you were snoring so loud that your followers had to turn down the volume!)
1. MUFFLE: Snuggle under the covers and use your blanket for soundproofing.
2. SHOP: Might as well get some video-worthy pajamas rather than that ratty old summer camp T-shirt.
2. CLAPBACK: Share a video to your S.O.’s Insta. I’m sure his friends would love to see him enjoying that bubble bath with his rubber ducky.
3. How to survive a no WiFi zone
1. DRINK: Hopefully this no WiFi zone is on some far off tropical island full of coconuts for piña coladas.
2. HELP: Get a temporary social media manager like Social Sitters Club. They’ll watch your Insta till you’re back in the zone. Payment in coconuts is even accepted.
3. RELAX: Someone else is covering for you. Go back to your fruity cocktails – and make sure they have pretty little umbrellas in them.
4. How to fix a phone camera broken while shark cage diving … when you got a little too close to Sharkie and got distracted wondering what teeth whitening kit she uses
1. FIND: Dig through your closet and find that long lost relic. It’s called a point-and-shoot camera.
2. LEARN: Familiarize yourself with this vintage object that you haven’t seen in a few years.
3. FILTER: Tell your followers that you’re hopping on the antiquing trend and make all your pics black and white.
5. How to fend off a creepy follower who slid into your DM’s
1. GHOST: Ignore, snub, disregard, rebuff, or however you want to say it … without saying it.
2. BLOCK: Tap tap tap and you’re suddenly defending much better than you did last week …. when it came to protecting that remaining piece of red velvet cake you had stashed away but still got found by your S.O.
3. SEE ABOVE: If you must respond, casually mention Sharkie, who is now your BFF, after you hooked her up with your dentist.
6. How to rescue a phone drowning in quicksand that fell while you were walking and texting
1. PANIC: Cause the reality is your phone is long gone and you’ve got a sinking feeling … literally.
2. BACKUP: Double back up …. back away from the quicksand. And also make sure to back up your phone – cause see #1.
3. PRACTICE: Work on your walk/text skills. And take it to the next level by balancing a martini and painting your toenails at the same time. Bonus points for a French pedi!
7. How to prevent aliens from hacking your account from their UFO
1. CHANGE: It’s time to get a password better than well ‘password’ …. and ‘ETPhoneHome’ is not recommended either.
2. ALERT: Tell your connections to avoid suspicious posts from little green men inviting them to a galaxy far far away.
3. SECURE: Get some good security software that will teleport those close encounters to another dimension.
Your chances of facing these extreme situations are slim – unless of course, you have an alligator for a neighbour in which case it’s recommended to buy stock in eye shadow cause you’re going to need a lot of it!
May all your adventures be much tamer than these and that you choose your own adventures wisely. And if you decided to turn to page 22, can you find us some wedges too? Size 8, please.
don’t wait until it’s too late!
Even if there are no days off on your horizon, sign up now so that Social Sitters Club is ready and waiting in the wings for when the unexpected pops up. Because if there is one thing entrepreneurship teaches you, its to expect the unexpected!
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